tfa_kink | PROMPT POST #3

DID SOMEONE SAY ANGRY MARRIED HOUSE FLIPPERS AU

Kylo Ren spent a lot of his time thinking about proportion, symmetry, and form. He knew that his own face subverted generic handsomeness -- but it drew the eye diagonally, it delivered visual harmony through the repetition of his dark hair and eyes.

He liked his face, but reflected in Hux’s mirrored Ray-Ban Clubmasters, it appeared to be pouting.

He squinted and leaned in, smoothing one of his eyebrows with a knuckle.

“Excuse me,” said Hux, “Narcissus. Did you hear what I said?”

“Not the specifics. Something about Chipotle?”

Hux crossed his arms. “Ren, I am one hundred percent serious, we’re running too close to the line to afford guacamole right now, and if I catch you again it’s coming out of the interior budget.”

“So it comes from the interior budget. Where are we on the pool tile?”

“Your choice. One-by-one slate, or one-by-one blue blend.”

“I wanted --”

“I know you wanted to hand-pattern a five color modern honeycomb, but I just told you we couldn’t accord guacamole.”

“I thought we were sacrificing the guacamole so we could afford the tile.”

The small, mid-construction LA yard was quiet for a few moments. Kylo heard the dry sound of palm trees in the wind.

“I am going to have a stroke,” said Hux. “And it will be your fault.”

“Fine,” said Kylo. “I’ll use my power of attorney to pull the plug on you and order five colors of tile. Then I will work through my grief by hand-patterning a modern honeycomb in the pool.”

“Excuse me,” said Rey behind Kylo’s right shoulder.

“I’m going inside,” said Hux. His voice was quiet and tense, the way it was last year when he had taken the keys to Kylo’s Cayenne and thrown them into the ocean from Justin Bobby Brescia’s yacht.

“Sorry,” Rey said again. They ignored her.

“Go,” said Kylo. “Have your stroke inside. No one will ever find you, because I’ll be out here trying to transform one-by-one blue blend glass tile into something modern if I have to spill my blood into the grout in an atomic pattern.”

“Hi,” said Rey for the third time, and waved a little. “So I’m driving into town to buy gravel, and I was going to pick up lunch, but … it can wait.”

“It can’t wait, you have an appointment. I’m not paying you -- in experience -- to learn that most marital disputes are about money,” said Hux.

“Can you stop at Chipotle?” asked Kylo.

Hux’s Clubmasters flashed.

Rey hadn’t survived more than half her internship by being an idiot, so she started to back away, but answered honestly: “Yeah.”

“I want,” said Kylo, “a burrito bowl with extra--”

“Don’t,” said Hux.

“We can’t waste her time, can we? Extra guacamole.”

“So the good news is that the door you ripped off the hinge was going to come out anyway,” said Rey the next morning.

The door was lying halfway inside the foyer. The rubber seal had drawn a dark black line on the patio concrete.

“That’s why I ripped it off,” said Kylo, shaking the ice cubes in his iced americano.

Hux stepped wordlessly around him and opened the refrigerator, noticing there was no coffee for him but not remarking on it. He took out a bottle of Dasani water and rearranged the remaining bottles so there were an even six in the front.

Kylo watched him in disgust.

“So,” said Rey. “I scheduled gravel for 11.”

“Fine,” said Hux. “I did ask for 10:30, didn’t I?”

“They open at 10, and it’s a 45-minute drive in the truck,” Rey replied.

“That’s why you have to bargain with them.”

“On their opening time?”

“On anything you possibly can. So, fine, Rey, you stay here. Ren and I have a showing at Outpost at three, so tell Finn to be there at 10 to start cleaning up. I’ll be coming straight from the bank, so I’ll take the car. Ren, that’ll give you enough time to finalize a flooring plan. I want to put an order in before close of business today. When the showing is over I want Finn to drive to Paseo del Serra and we can have our check-out meeting here. He can pick up Millicent from the vet on his way.”

“And then,” said Kylo, “Hux will end the evening doing his nightly Scrooge McDuck backstroke in the pool of pennies he’s saved by limiting our creative resources, while the cat and I share a tin of Fancy Feast.”

“You’ll be lucky,” said Hux, “if it is Fancy Feast.”

Kylo bit his straw.

“Do you ever wonder how two guys like that end up together?” Rey asked. She had driven to meet Finn at the vet with the cat’s crate, and Millicent was yowling horrifically as they tried to stuff her into it.

“Do you honestly want me to not say Grindr?”

“They got married in like 2008,” said Rey. “Your face is bleeding really bad.”

“Well, I don’t know, grab her -- by the -- Jesus! Get her arms.”

“Arms?”

“Some of the limbs, Rey, limit the number of limbs that are slashing at me if you want me to be bleeding less.”

Rey grabbed for the cat, and it riposted across her forearm. “Ow!” she said. “Did you know this thing just got acupuncture?”

“Well she’s dishing out some … haphazard puncture,” said Finn, wiping blood from his eyes.

“I’m just saying, I think she’s still tense. It’s probably because there’s tension in her home life.”

“Are you serious?” said Finn.

“I hope you don’t lose that eye,” said Rey. “It could get infected really easily. Cats get their claws in litterboxes, and who knows what’s at the vet. And Millicent walks on Hux and Ren’s sex sheets all the time.”

“Please help me get the cat in the crate,” said Finn, his voice breaking.

lololololol

They shared a car on the way back, because if someone didn’t keep an arm on the cat crate, Millicent could move it around the car and possibly influence Finn’s steering.

Rey read her findings aloud: “On June 12th, 2010, Kylo Ren, a design intern at Thomas Callaway, and General Hux, an associate at Hilton & Hyland, were married in a private home in Plum Island, Massachusetts. The wedding was attended, notably, by Adam DiVello and Liz Gateley.”

“Damn,” said Finn. “I didn’t think that was really his first name.”

“What, General?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ve seen his driver’s license. It’s General.”

“That explains ... something,” said Finn. When he stopped at a red light, Millicent stretched a paw out from the crate and raked his hand. He looked at her sympathetically.

“I’m going to keep reading. ‘The ceremony was performed under a trellis with white wisteria. Reading from prepared vows, the grooms promised love and patience, to share happiness and pain, and to support each other through good times and bad. The ceremony concluded with a local band playing “‘Round Midnight.” The reception was held at the historic Inn on the Beach.’ Well. That’s kind of sweet.”

“Too bad they’re assholes now,” said Finn. “They ruined their cat.”

“They’re not assholes all the time,” said Rey. “And the jazz thing is nice.”

“Sure,” said Finn. “Yeah, it’s nice. It sounds nice.”

He was stopped at another light, and the cat was quiet. The sun was sinking below the hills and into the city. Rey rolled down the window.

When they returned to Paseo del Serra, Kylo was throwing plates out of the broken doorframe and onto the patio. Hux was holding up his end of the argument from the stairs.

“I don’t care if you drink bottled water, you paranoid bean-counter,” Kylo was yelling. “I’ll poison your ear. Like Old Hamlet.”

Rey set the cat free at the front door. Once out of the crate, she went upstairs too quickly for the naked eye to follow.

“Hi,” said Rey. “I have Finn. The cat got acupuncture but she isn’t relaxed. I think it’s all the smashing plates.”

Kylo slowly set one of the plates on the counter top. “Now the cat has a problem with my creative process?”

“The uhm, cat acupuncturist--”

“Vet,” said Hux.

“The vet said you could make her listen to some jazz.”

Kylo raised an eyebrow. “The cat needs to listen to jazz.”

“In a calm environment,” said Rey.

Kylo put his remaining two plates away. “I don’t know why the vet thinks she isn’t doing that already. Finn, find somewhere else for your blood to go, we have to sell this place.”

---

~~TBC

I LOVE THIS! Oh my god! This amazing AU so amazingly executed, I'm gonna say it again: I LOVE THIS.

And how deep in the trash am I that I look at the way they behave and think "Aw."

Re: Fill: House Flippers AU [4/?]

(Anonymous) - 2016-02-23 05:54 (UTC) - Expand

very funny, and stunning

Re: Fill: House Flippers AU [4/?]

(Anonymous) - 2016-02-23 05:54 (UTC) - Expand

this is hysterical! the characters are all so on point.

Re: Fill: House Flippers AU [4/?]

(Anonymous) - 2016-02-23 05:55 (UTC) - Expand

“And then,” said Kylo, “Hux will end the evening doing his nightly Scrooge McDuck backstroke in the pool of pennies he’s saved by limiting our creative resources, while the cat and I share a tin of Fancy Feast.”

I love everything about this! It's my new absolute favourite thing. But I had to stop and go 'wait a second' when I came to the wisteria part, because I specifically remembered that in the Victorian language of flowers (sadly under-appreciated nowadays) wisteria means 'warning against obsessive love' and choking. I'm dying! Brilliant!!!

Re: Fill: House Flippers AU [4/?]

(Anonymous) - 2016-02-23 05:58 (UTC) - Expand

This fic is so good and I suddenly want for angry married house flippers AUs to be a standard in every fandom. How can you do this to me, igniting this need in me that'll never be satisfied? This is the greatest thing I never knew I wanted and your writing is stellar. ♡♥♡

Re: Fill: House Flippers AU [4/?]

(Anonymous) - 2016-02-23 05:59 (UTC) - Expand

I would read an entire novel about this universe. Only angry married house flippers all the time.

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(Anonymous) - 2016-02-23 05:59 (UTC) - Expand

Oh geez, im dying this is perfect

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(Anonymous) - 2016-02-23 05:59 (UTC) - Expand

Requester!Anon and my eyes are full of hearts and stars~ (This is amazing!!)

Just a few of the things I loved:

“I’m not paying you -- in experience -- to learn that most marital disputes are about money”

Hux, being both sarcastic and completely honest about his penny –pinching and terrible martial dynamic. Jeeze, hope Rey at least gets lunch out of driving all over and dealing with these two.

*

“…rearranged the remaining bottles so there were an even six in the front”

Because the world is sadly lacking in order. Hehehe.

*

“And then,” said Kylo, “Hux will end the evening doing his nightly Scrooge McDuck backstroke in the pool of pennies he’s saved by limiting our creative resources, while the cat and I share a tin of Fancy Feast.”

“You’ll be lucky,” said Hux, “if it is Fancy Feast.”

Hux is right, cat food can be very expensive. I notice he didn’t deny any of that though. Probably knows a lost ~~cost~~ cause.

*

“I hope you don’t lose that eye,” said Rey. “It could get infected really easily. Cats get their claws in litterboxes, and who knows what’s at the vet. And Millicent walks on Hux and Ren’s sex sheets all the time.”

“Please help me get the cat in the crate,” said Finn, his voice breaking.

Stay strong Finn. The crazy is only partially communicable.

*

“because if someone didn’t keep an arm on the cat crate, Millicent could move it around the car and possibly influence Finn’s steering.”

Poor Millicent.

*

Actual first name General Hux

*

“That explains ... something,” said Finn. When he stopped at a red light, Millicent stretched a paw out from the crate and raked his hand. He looked at her sympathetically.

He doesn’t know legs from arms but he recognizes a fellow victim of the Kylux cyclone.

*

Finn and Rey have each other’s backs and aren’t above lying to their employers to try to avert trouble for themselves, Millicent, and possibly for the spouses themselves. (or at least the last 2 plates) Except whatever will those two do when they’re not arguing?

*

“TBC”

There is hope for more! I am dancing with glee.

*

Re: Fill: House Flippers AU [4/?]

(Anonymous) - 2016-02-23 06:13 (UTC) - Expand

Kylo slowly set one of the plates on the counter top. “Now the cat has a problem with my creative process?”

That's it, I'm dead. This is amazing.

Re: Fill: House Flippers AU [4/?]

(Anonymous) - 2016-02-23 06:14 (UTC) - Expand

Like that other anon I also really like Actual First Name General Hux. It just screams "my parents are embarrassing on-trend socialites." Speaking of which:

Justin Bobby, Adam DiVello and Liz Gateley...

lmao did Kylo & Hux meet while guest starring on The Hills!? A++ if so.

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(Anonymous) - 2016-02-23 06:20 (UTC) - Expand

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(Anonymous) - 2016-02-23 06:40 (UTC) - Expand

Kylo and Hux lived in a five bedroom, four bath Mediterranean in Outpost Estates. It was a property they both hated, but it had been re-listed twice and languished for five months at an $800,000 general discount, so it was beginning to feel like home.

“You know what people say about this place,” said Finn, stopping by the office to check his to-do list. Kylo looked up from his drafting table, and almost smacked his skull against Hux’s chin.

“If you didn’t stick your face in my work,” said Kylo, “we’d have to take fewer trips to the E.R. to have your tongue surgically reattached.”

“If I didn’t keep an eye on your progress, you’d never get anything done,” said Hux. “It’s a retaining wall, not the Duomo.”

“And if you’d been around pedaling the mundane gospel of the bottom line in the fifteenth century, maybe we wouldn’t have that particular artistic precedent to squeeze a couple hundred thousand dollars out of plaster in Beverly Hills.”

“Well then, Arnolfo di Cambio, you’ve got about forty-five seconds to decide if you want flowers or succulents in your masterpiece.”

Finn cleared his throat. “So like I was saying, you know what people say about this place?”

Kylo gripped his pencil in his fist. “Succulents.”

“Good choice,” said Hux. “There’s a drought. Finn, is there something you’d like to say instead of taking the leaf blower up to the roof?”

“Yeah,” said Finn. “So. I was reading about this place on Curbed--”

“Your first mistake,” Kylo muttered.

“And they were listing all the celebrities who’ve sent buyers here -- Taylor Kitsch, Brandi Glanville, Brandon Routh, Camilla Belle -- it’s like everybody in Hollywood whose expectations ended up disappointed. Curbed says brokers have started calling it Starkiller.”

Hux tapped his chin. “Not that I care what Curbed says, but I think there’s something to that. Taunting superstition appeals to the self-made sort of ... thing.”

“We need to have the house saged again,” said Kylo. “I don’t care about Curbed either, but, you know, just in case."

Hux sighed. “Finn, clean the gutters. Then schedule someone to come sage.”

Re: Fill: House Flippers AU [5/?]

(Anonymous) - 2016-02-23 06:54 (UTC) - Expand

“Poe Dameron,” said the agent they booked the next morning. He sat uncomfortably in the sunken living room, facing Hux across his open portfolio, and cast nervous glances at Kylo, who was looming near the exit. “Wow, you guys really went to town with the sage.”

“We don’t like to leave anything up to fate,” said Hux. “Finn, bring Mr. Dameron a shot of espresso over ice.”

“Hey, that’s my drink,” said Poe, looking between Kylo and Hux. “Exactly. How did you…”

“Like I said,” said Hux. “Nothing. To. Chance. I hope you’ll appreciate that the home’s temperature has been set to an even 69 degrees, just as you like it.”

Poe adjusted his tie. “Wow.”

“Here’s your espresso,” said Finn. “Let me know if it’s too much ice, or not enough espresso or, you know.”

Poe smiled the brave smile of a broker about to hear about three floors of original Talavera flooring. "Thanks for the -- thanks. Well, I guess let’s get started.”

“I’m orchestrating a full court press on this property,” said Hux. “Even since a certain article in Curbed came out, I’m eager to show it off and turn around people’s assumptions.”

“I don’t read Curbed,” said Poe.

“Neither do I,” said Kylo.

“This restored estate,” said Hux, “combines old Hollywood glamor with the vernacular charm of some of LA’s first great architectural pieces. Although the approach is private and set well back in the lot, the home emerges as one of the gems of Outpost.”

Finn watched them go.

“So that broker thinks they’re going to murder him,” Finn told Rey, who had been using their solitude to send tips to Curbed from the vacant poolside.

“Seriously though,” said Rey. “Are they?”

“I don’t know, they might. But who wants to buy a place called Brokerkiller?”

“Who wants to buy a place where each room has a color scheme?”

Finn shrugged. “I don’t know. The rich.”

“The rich have kind of had their chance. I think the guys should suck it up and live here. It suits them. The atrium for the cat. The counter-espionage room with the four Nest cameras. There’s even that really deep wine cellar, for when Ren finally cracks and tells Hux he’s got a nice Amontillado in the back.”

Finn sighed, looked around for any new Nest cameras, and took one of the white lounge chairs next to Rey. “I guess you have a point.”

“Not really,” said Rey. “I’m a total hypocrite. I’m trying to whip up some notoriety behind their backs, but only Curbed writes up my tips.”

“You have a heart of gold,” said Finn, adjusting his sunglasses so less light leaked in around the frames. The pool was hypnotically bright, glittering in aimless patterns as the light wind died down. The sunlight was hot without being miserable.

The next thing Finn knew, someone was shaking his arm.

“Hi,” said Poe Dameron. He was alone, wearing a contrast-collar shirt and no suit jacket, and the earnest expression on his face was desperate.

Finn blinked, and pulled down his sunglasses. Rey was gone. The sunlight hadn’t changed, so he couldn’t have been asleep for long. “Uhm,” he said, looking at the real estate agent in total confusion. “So this is the pool.”

“I have to get out of here,” said Poe.

“OK,” said Finn. “What?”

“It’s -- the ceiling beams, the tile, the color schemes -- I don’t have a buyer for this,” said Poe. “But they’re holding me hostage in there until they get my active clients. Is there like, a back exit? A secret tunnel? Escape route through the wine cellar? Scheduled airlift?”

“Where are they?” said Finn. “I want to help you, buddy, but I also don’t want to lose my job.”

“Upstairs,” said Poe, and looked a little ashamed. “I said I had to go outside to vape.”

“You can vape inside,” said Finn. “That’s literally the point.”

“I don’t vape,” said Poe. “I want to be clear about that.”

“The gate’s right behind those palms.”

“Thanks,” said Poe, and reached into his wallet. Finn’s eyes took in a few hundreds thirstily, but then Poe took out a business card and gave it too him while briskly shaking Finn’s other hand.

Then he was gone.

A moment later, Hux and Kylo spilled out of the sliding doors.

“I think he got away,” Kylo was saying. “We can’t keep letting agents just slip off like that.”

TBC~~

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