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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Hux was determined not to let Ren get to him this time. They were once again sitting next to each other while Mitaka discussed the steps for basic adult cardiopulmonary resuscitation. Kylo was sulking next to him and occasionally jabbed a finger at the datapad in front of him. Hux had brought two this time just in case Kylo had “forgotten” his again.

“Now remember,” Mitaka finished up, “the first step is always check for immediate danger before performing CPR. Then you assess if the person is conscious and if they are not, make sure to contact help.” He clapped his hands together and the holoscreen flickered before shutting off. “With that said please get into pairs and practice.”

Hux repressed a sigh as Ren eagerly shoved the datapad into his bag. “I’ll be performing first,” he said firmly and his tone brooked no room for argument. The tables once again slid seamlessly into the floor to make more space for people to lie down. “So get on the floor and pretend to be less of a victim than you already are.”

“Are you this commanding in all aspects of you life, General?” Ren asked and waggled his eyebrows while he got on the floor.

Hux, being the completely mature adult that he was, did not deign to make a comment. He did, however, kick Ren’s arms so they weren’t pillowed behind his head. Honestly, Ren choked enough people to know what an unconscious person looked like. “Step one,” he said evenly and knelt down next to Ren, “check for breathing.” He placed one hand on Ren’s forehead and the other under his chin so he could lean in close and pretend to listen for a breath.

Quick as a flash Ren leaned up and kissed Hux on the cheek. “Oh look, you brought me back to life,” he said with his arms around Hux’s shoulders.

Hux violently shoved the Knight away. “I will kill you,” he said through clenched teeth. “And then Mitaka will give me bonus points for trying to revive a corpse.” He punched Kylo in the gut when it looked like that idiot was about to say something.

“Remember, this is practice,” Mitaka announced as he wove his way through the different pairs with his clipboard in his arms. “You don’t want to actually hurt your partner.”

“Step two,” Hux said sweetly above the sound of Ren’s wheezing, “place the heel of one hand on the victim’s breastbone.” He mirrored the diagram from their studies and interlocked his fingers together.

“Ow!” Ren swore when Hux started the chest compressions. “Weren’t you listening to Mitaka?”

“I’m doing my job,” Hux said and took delight in the quick, forceful chest compressions. “Don’t you want to live so you can continue to serve the Supreme Leader?”

Kylo made a strangled sound and gripped onto Hux’s wrist. “Not if you kill me.” He tried to shove the other man off.

Mitaka coughed above them. “General, I appreciate the enthusiasm but perhaps it’s Lord Ren’s turn to practice CPR.” The red marker hovered above his clipboard.

Hux gave one last forceful press down and thought he heard something snap if the pinched expression on Ren’s face was anything to go by. He suppressed a chuckle before smoothly lying down and straightening his uniform. “Try not to embarrass Lieutenant Mitaka with your poor form.”

Ren grumbled something under his breath but dutifully listed out the steps and followed through with the motions while Mitaka looked on with approval. Ren’s hands were surprisingly gentle as he did the compressions.

“Excellent!” Mitaka praised. “I’m glad the two of you are doing much better today.”

“Don’t you want me to do the resuscitation bit?” Ren asked when it looked like the Lieutenant was about to turn away. One large hand was already cupped under Hux’s chin.

Mitaka looked a little alarmed. “Um, that’s not really necessary for-”

Ren leaned down anyway so his lips were hovering over Hux’s. “Don’t worry Hux, I know what I’m doing,” he purred and pinched the General’s nose shut.

Hux’s eyes widened in outrage when Ren started to kiss him. He made to get up when Ren swung his legs over to straddle him. Cut it out, he projected and swung his fist at Ren’s head to knock some sense into him.

“You need 200CCs of mouth-to-mouth!” Hux’s snapping teeth didn’t seem to deter him as he used the Force to rip open Hux’s uniform shirt.

“That’s not really a part of the training, Lord Ren.” Mitaka looked distressed as he clutched his clipboard to his chest while watching the rapidly devolving situation.

Hux bucked his hips to try and get out from under Kylo. “How dare you ruin my uniform!” he twisted his head to the side and yelled. His hand scrabbled along the floor to grab something, and his fingers closed around the strap of Ren’s bag.

“The patient is delirious. Mitaka, I need the defibrillator!” He nearly toppled over when his heavy bag clipped him in the shoulder.

Hux’s lips were pulled back into a wordless snarl as he shoved his palm against Ren’s face to hold him back. He was going to kill him.

Mitaka looked down at his clipboard and sadly put two red X’s next to the first set.

Oh god I love this! Poor Mitaka, having to remain professional while his bosses are the actual wooooooorst. They could be a training lesson in themselves as the DON'T DO THIS examples to the rest of the class/humanity/galaxy. "First Aid Fiasco! Featuring Hux & Kylo."

I can only imagine the amount of red X's they both got in their Anger Management (Hux: "You're calling me antagonistic?! I WILL KILL YOU") and Sexual Harassment (Ren: "I don't need any tips, thanks") courses.

“You need 200CCs of mouth-to-mouth!”

STAT!

(Not OP) This level of crack is exactly what gets me going. If I had to quote my favourite bits, I'd probably end up just pasting the whole text. Filler, you are the greatest.

“The patient is delirious. Mitaka, I need the defibrillator!”

Bless. This is everything I've ever needed in my life.

PROMPT POST #5 - CLOSED

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