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Exactly what it sounds like- think of the most bizarre real-world job you can think of, and then write Kylo Ren doing it.

Does he work in a lingerie store? Maybe he's a trash collector, or the mailman. Maybe he's the CEO of Google. The more ridiculous the better.

I once worked for a porn company, exclusively editing pics to make enticing thumbnail banners by photoshopping dicks and tits to be larger

+1

incredible

Kylo Ren, life coach?

Specialty dog groomer, or whatever you call those people who shave, style and dye the fur of poodles and the like to create interesting looks.

Kylo's own dog is of course a black poodle styled to look like Vader.

counts mollusks, assesses local ecosystems for stress. turns in reports that utterly derail the plans of developers, aka one Hux.

"You're telling me that the clams are in distress."

"Well, not just the clams. The study hasn't gone on long enough to properly assess any changes to fish spawning behaviors, let alone the effects of organisims on the bottom of the food change rippling up to mid and high trophic levels."

"The clams are in distress."

"Yes. The highly endangered clams that are also a source of local pride."

"And other... creatures will soon be experiencing stress. Much as I currently am."

"Yes."

"I find that I am much too distressed to further entertain your company tonight, Ren. Perhaps you ought to find an alternative method of recreational stress relief in the future as I do not think we will be returning to the one we previously shared, not unless your findings were... otherwise."

"If you're asking me to falsify data the answer is no, but I think that you're missing out on an opportunity to run with the green-building trend. And if you're experiancing stress it seems shortsighted to cut off a source of stress relief."

"Ren. Right now I can think of no greater source of stress relief than punching you unconscious and dumping you in the river to commune with your fucking clams. Get out of my sight before I have security remove you."

"Security likes me, you've been much more even-tempered since we started seeing each other."

"Clams, Ren. You chose a literally brainless mass of goo in a shell over me. I have six exs that are still higher in my esteem than you. And one of them shot me."

"You have a restraining order, right?"

"Out. Before I have two."

"I don't think that's how it works, Hux."

"It is if I stab you."

Hilarious! Poor clams, poor Ren, stressed Hux. Now I want to know the exact circumstances why his ex shot him. (It was self-defense, right?)

Well, self-defense could be argued (and was, resulting in no jail time but the aforementioned restraining order was issued and is still in effect), but Hux is also irresistibly attracted to hot messes to begin with.

Ren is pretty much exactly Hux's type: obsessively focused and/or artistic genius. Long hair. Likes being told what to do, at least to a point.

The problem for Hux is just because Ren likes to sir him in the bedroom it doesn't mean he'll roll over professionally. And Hux might have set out to seduce him and head off clam-related problems, but just because he's deliberate about it doesn't mean he really knows what he's doing. See: the relationship that ended in the ER.

Post-ER-visit Hux decided that the problem had little to do with him and everything to do with choosing a lover who felt physically intimidated by him, so his rubric for significant others now includes "can heft me for wall sex". (Ren managed it in the shower stall too, without breaking anything, very fortunate as it was glass).

Unfortunately for Hux many of his conclusions are erroneous. Fortunately for Hux, Ren is very creative. /Unfortunately for Hux, Ren is very creative./

I kind of picture this as a verse wherein Ren calls Leia in and Hux is simultaneously incensed (Ren's interfering and implying he can't do his job! how dare?!) and fanboying because Leia's firm is well known in the industry and Hux is just starting out.

Hux and Ren end up as each other's booty calls until they actually move in together, still arguing. Decades later they never got married and Hux is THE premier green architect and mentor for their entire timezone/continent. It doesn't matter how he got into it, he will be the best. Shut up, Ren, and put your dishes away, I have interns coming by in half an hour.

Holy shit this whole thing is adorable, A!A, thank you for posting! I would never have anticipated that the words "clams" and "distress" could be put together in such a way and make me grin so hard. Fantastic little AU, fantastic little minifill.

Author Anon here, and this was actually based on reading about a local dredging project wherein the ecologically minded owners promised that the downstream mollusks would be monitored for stress and I just couldn't help but laugh at the idea that it made it sound like someone was trying to discern clam emotional states. "We're not happy all the time you know."

Found this list of odd jobs if anyone wants to continue:

http://pitcherplant.tumblr.com/post/141199799069

Yep, I'll take 3 chapters/10k of this distressed clam AU, thanks.

*slides briefcase full of kudos across the table*

takes your briefcase and smuggles it away. alas, never delivers further clam fic.

I like to think that the two of them make a field trip to the aquarium and pda in the darkened exhibits when none of the field trips of school children and girl scouts are watching. Also, Kylo smuggles in a laser pointer to tease the penguins and Hux disavows all knowledge.

I love this. XD

PROMPT POST #4

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Crack, Kylo Ren Does A Ridiculous Job

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Re: Crack, Kylo Ren Does A Ridiculous Job

Re: Crack, Kylo Ren Does A Ridiculous Job

Re: Crack, Kylo Ren Does A Ridiculous Job

minifill? Crack, Kylo Ren Does A Ridiculous Job

Re: minifill? Crack, Kylo Ren Does A Ridiculous Job

Re: minifill? Crack, Kylo Ren Does A Ridiculous Job

Re: minifill? Crack, Kylo Ren Does A Ridiculous Job

Re: minifill? Crack, Kylo Ren Does A Ridiculous Job

Re: minifill? Crack, Kylo Ren Does A Ridiculous Job

Re: minifill? Crack, Kylo Ren Does A Ridiculous Job

Re: minifill? Crack, Kylo Ren Does A Ridiculous Job