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Ben is about twelve or so, and he's hanging out with the other Padawans at the Jedi temple. Obviously training is hard work and boring and such, but he figures it's alright. Everyone there has a similar story of having been sent away for their own good etc.

All of the other kids are talking about how much they miss home and how happy their childhoods have been and that's when Ben *realizes* that his life hasn't been very good. Like, he thought everyone was miserable, what with the violence and fighting the empire and busy parents and voices in their head... except other kids haven't had that.

He is torn between being horribly upset that he, a prince, the heir of the family who saved the galaxy, etc. has been handed such a shit deal of a life; being jealous of what the other kids have had, and being super disappointed and angry at Luke (the only person who has looked after him well in all truth) for taking these kids away from perfectly good lives into a life of suffering and holding back and repressing and ignoring emotions and basically signing themselves up to get slaughtered - like the voice in his head has been telling him will happen since he was a baby.

Self-fill because I'm sad

***

He's not like the other kids, but that's okay. He was never meant to be.

He was born a Solo, an Organa, a Skywalker. None of the other kids were even born a single one of those. Most of them come from small planets where they didn't even hear about the Force until Luke recruited them. Most of their families grew up thinking that Jedis were legends and that the great Darth Vader's powers were exaggerated due to the fear.

He's not like them and they don't let him forget it, but he doesn't mind. He is strong, much stronger than any of them, and he is brave. He will be a Jedi before any of them, even the ones that are older and have been training longer, and then he'll take a few as his own Padawans and help his uncle Luke to rebuild the order.

The voice in his head tells him it ends the same way as always. Every child dies. Every Jedi dies. and he shrugs it off. His grandfather knew that but it didn't stop him fighting. He made mistakes, but he defeated the dark side in the end. He defeated the dark side because of Luke - and Luke has told him that he will help him defeat it too.

Back home, he knows his mom is thinking of him. He can feel her across space, through the desert into the hut where he is supposed to meditate for two more hours before supper. Worry. Always worry and nothing else. He doesn't know where his father is, but he knows he isn't thinking of him. Sometimes uncle Chewie thinks of him, but he never actually stopped Ben's dad from leaving so he can't actually care very much.

When he was younger he was mostly alone, so lengthy periods of silence don't bother him. He was mostly afraid, so the images that the voice in his head throws at him whenever he meditates don't phase him. He was mostly hungry, and dirty, and didn't sleep enough because he waited every night until his mom was done with her politics to come see him - with Luke, even through the fasting periods for resistance, he's never been hungry; and his uncle Luke is always there.

Being a Padawan is not a bad deal. He eats and sleeps and learns and the voice in his head can be quiet when Luke speaks. He has never been happier all things considered. He really shouldn't complain. He is a prince, the heir of the Chosen one. A Skywalker, a Solo, an Organa.

Through the walls he can hear them, 'it's so boring' the other kids say, 'I miss my mom, she always cuddled me to sleep'. 'I want to be like my dad', 'I miss my family', 'I don't want to be a Jedi', 'I'm tired', 'the food is so gross'. He can hear them as they talk about their friends, about the things their fathers taught them, about how the only good thing about the Force is feeling their mothers' love radiating across the stars.

He can feel their memories, permeating into his conscience as he tries to be one with the Force. He can hear their laughter and their joy - things he's always seen as myths. He can see the way their mothers look at them, the way their fathers hold them. He can see Luke the way they see him, as an old man and a strict teacher, as a demanding stranger and not a savior just because he isn't afraid of you. He can see feel what it's like to not carry on their backs the weight of the Universe, to not think that the best thing you could do for the first person who looked at you as if you were something other than a monster is sign yourself up to die.

The voice whispers again as he closes his eyes, trying to hold back the tears that burn from deep inside and that Luke told him were no good to shed Every Jedi dies. Every child dies.

The voice is not wrong. He is pretty sure he died a long time ago.

Oh ow.

He doesn't know where his father is, but he knows he isn't thinking of him.

Ouch. OUCH. And the hits kept coming. This knocked me on my ass tbh. Outstanding.

OP/A!A: thank you so much :)

This fic is now on AO3

http://archiveofourown.org/works/6499975

Thank you!

PROMPT POST #4

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Young Ben Solo, bad childhood

[MINI-FILL] Young Ben Solo, bad childhood

Re: [MINI-FILL] Young Ben Solo, bad childhood

Re: [MINI-FILL] Young Ben Solo, bad childhood

Re: [MINI-FILL] Young Ben Solo, bad childhood

Re: [MINI-FILL] Young Ben Solo, bad childhood

Re: [MINI-FILL] Young Ben Solo, bad childhood - AO3 link