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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

A/N: I wanted to write a lighthearted fill, so I fudged Academy torture-endurance training into everyone in the First Order is terrible at sex. (Hope it’s okay.) It’s a natural consequence of totalitarianism, bad sex. And one of the perks of reaching the rank of general Evil Space Totalitarian is that you can flaunt pet regulations aboard your command ship. And I may continue this, but here's a mini-fill./

Hux rubbed his elbow; even the bed in the general’s quarters was too small for two people this tall. Kylo was looking at him. “Sorry.” The magic words but Kylo had done nothing to apologize for this time. Kylo flushed and looked away.

Hux stopped rubbing his elbow. “No need. I just wasn’t looking.” Of course Kylo Ren was amazing in bed. That was just his luck.

“Um. Should I go?” This was already so wildly improper that Kylo strutting out of his bedroom would hardly matter. And Kylo was a furnace, and sweaty. But if he let Kylo stay, he could go for another round later.

“Stay.” Kylo bit his lips and settled down. The things he had done with that mouth. He’d never had anyone do those things before; it must be some decadent dark side thing. Kylo had wrapped it around the tip of his cock. It was brilliant. And the kissing, with tongue too. Most of his previous flings, whether from the Academy or just around the base, didn’t even kiss closed mouth.

“Is that, you have a pet or? It’s staring at me.” Millicent was indeed staring at Kylo. He was in her spot, after all. Kylo’s head rested on his chest. He’d been playing with his lovely dark hair too.

He would just have to be firm with her. “Millicent, this is Kylo. Don’t be difficult. You can sleep on the pillow.” She was swishing her tail but he never let her share while he slept. It would suit. She lied down by his ear and licked his hair. Kylo had closed his eyes already. Millicent’s purrs soothed both of them to sleep.

---
Kylo thought Hux would balk at his inexperience. But he’d been rather patient. Hux said not a word when he came with a couple of strokes, and on Hux’s coat too. It’d been awhile since he read that manual, and there had been something about no teeth, but he'd only made a few slips. He thought he would choke when Hux came, but he moved out of the way. The come had landed on his calf somehow.

He wasn’t prepared for how good sleeping together was; he hadn’t slept that well in years. The creature that somehow matched Hux’s hair had actually been fairly pleasant. Hux’s mother’s assignment was charting the Unknown Regions. She probably brought it from some wild planet. And it was gone in the morning, which was good. Kylo didn’t think he could have stayed hard with it watching.

They woke up together though he’d been rubbing himself on Hux in his sleep. Hux was stroking him. Hux changed the rhythm and his grip anytime he got excited, first a little loose then sort of floppy. Must be technique. Hux had a string of flings. Most men in the Order that went for that sort of thing wanted Hux. He had shuddered that time a gnarled grand admiral had pinched Hux and asked if the rug matched the drapes. They did.

He came without Force throwing Hux, like he had the first time. Maybe he could return the favor with the Force. It couldn’t be that hard to use it as an extra hand. Hux kept laughing. Hux was ticklish apparently and threw him off rhythm. He gave up the experiment and just stroked like he thought he’d been stroked. He could learn.

--
Kylo’s shoulders were a lovely width and his chest was quite firm; Hux was determined to get his clothes off if they ever had a second time. Though Hux didn’t have frat regs hanging over him, Kylo was a terrible idea. But he invited Kylo to his quarters anyway. He wanted to share a rare opera holorecording from the Empire era. It was perfect at disguising noise. Kylo told him to bring it to his quarters instead.

Kylo was glorious naked. He was sculpted and well-muscled, thick and lovely all over. Kylo’s arms should be licked. Even the moles and freckles on his pale skin were sweet. His feet were nice.

He looked upset and shy, as if Hux lost his erection because of him. “Kylo, can we, uh, move elsewhere? That thing is going to give me nightmares.” It was Darth Vader’s burnt helmet with bits of Kylo’s grandfather’s skull in it that reminded him why he had stayed away from the unstable mystic in the first place. Kylo scowled.

“‘It’ is my grandfather, and I don’t want to get naked in front of your Millicent.” He was reaching for his pants. Unacceptable.

His mother had always told him, “don’t stick your dick in crazy, it’s contagious.” But she was a hypocrite, she married his father and had his child. Crazy had some incredible draw.

“How about we just cover it up with a coat or something?”

Kylo hadn’t expected him to concede. He had no idea how good he looked. “Okay…will that help?” As long as he kept his eyes on Kylo’s full soft lips, he’d have no trouble staying hard.

“Yes, just can you…” Kylo threw some black cloth on the thing. They were kissing, and it was better than last time, their teeth were clacking less. This must be why people had sex with the same person more than once. Hux had never tried it.

OP here.

This is a master piece!

"been awhile since he read that manual"
"Must be technique"
"He came without Force throwing Hux, like he had the first time"
"It’ is my grandfather"

I totally lost at these lines. Being on the Dark Side is sexually suffering. Even the Jedi had better sex lives.

Thank you, I'm glad you liked it. After posting it, I wondered if it it was too cracky for your actual prompt. Even if it was, you seem pleased, so all right.

And that's right, kids. The dark side is *not* the sexy side.

Snoke had sex once, how do you think he got that scar on his head?

haha no I do love crack in unexpected places.

Ah wow Snoke, what an experience, what an experience.

Author-anon here. I'm glad it made you all laugh. Thanks.

This must be why people had sex with the same person more than once.

Aww, these failboats <3

"The creature that somehow matched Hux’s hair" ... I completely lost it at this line. Brilliant fill, anon.

Holy helllllll I loved this

I LOVE YOU

"first a little loose then sort of floppy. Must be technique."

Oh gosh, they're so precious. As long as they're happy!

Only with Kylux has badsex become a kink of mine and you're making it worse because of how brilliant you are

This is pathetically, pitifully sweet.

I call canon

lol he force threw Hux the first time? How'd that go.

"some decadent dark side thing"

you national treasure, you

I snorted out loud when I read the title. A+ This is brilliant!

WIP - The mini-fill grew a plot and is now a story-in-progress at:

http://archiveofourown.org/works/6210259/chapters/14227618

PROMPT POST #3 - CLOSED

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