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Okay, I ended up condensing it a bit. I hope you liked it, OP!

“I mean… kind of? It’s not that we think you all go around menacing innocent cute girls,” he tried to save face. “It’s just… in the show, everyone who’s not part of the First Order is shown as degenerate and, uh, unpleasant. Now that I know it’s not true I can see how stupid it is, but I really wanted to see how the series ended! I didn’t get much free time as a Stormtrooper, and everyone’s kind of attached to the characters.”

Poe gave a sort of huffing sound, then sat down on the couch. “Alright then.”

“Alright then?” Finn repeated.

“Start the show back up, I want to see exactly how inaccurate this is.”

Hesitantly, Finn did, hoping that what he was about to show the other man wouldn’t ruin their friendship. Surely, Poe would think less of him for watching this trash, and even believing it at one point? Pressing play, he grit his teeth and hit the play button. The holodrama started up once more.

“Oh no, no, dearie, don’t cry,” the villainous pilot crooned. “Didn’t I just tell you I wasn’t going to torture you? I’ll make you feel really good. I’ll treat you really well, I’ll give you pretty things to wear while you wait in my quarters for me, and then I’ll come back and blow your mind every time.”

“Wow, this dialogue is really cheesy. And creepy,” Poe remarked.

UL-5993 tried to say something, but she couldn’t form the words due to the ring gag in her mouth. The evil pilot chuckled.

“What’s wrong? Do you want to say something?” He pretended to ponder the suggestion for a while, then chuckled. “Alright, sweetie, I’ll take it out. I’ll want to hear your cute voice, after all.” He undid the clasp holding the gag in place and removed it. UL-5993 gasped.

“Do what you want with me, torture me, kill me when you’re done,” she panted. “I will never betray the First Order! Go ahead and defile me, it won’t make a difference in the end. When Captain Rockon comes for me, he’ll kill you, and I’ll ask him to kill me! I’m taking you down with me, Resistance scum!”

“Big words for a pretty little thing who ended up in this position in the first place,” the pilot sneered. “We’ll see if you’re still talking like that when I’m done with you. You’ll be like a cantina whore, only free for me! And you’ll love every minute of it! Why can’t you see that I’m offering you the chance of a lifetime?”

“Oh come on!” Poe interjected. “I don’t talk like that!”

Onscreen, UL-5993 spat at her captor. “Even a cantina whore has morals, which you Resistance scum seem to lack!”

As if to punctuate her remarks, the door to… wherever they were… flew off its hinges and with a yell of rage, a Stormtrooper in entirely black armor charged in. “Remove your hands from that maiden at once, filth!”

At that, Poe completely lost it. He cracked up. “Really? Who wrote the script for this thing? This is the cheesiest dialogue I’ve ever heard!”

“Nobody knows who’s behind the production team, but there was a rumor that the scripts were written by Kylo Ren and General Hux,” Finn replied. That only made Poe howl even harder. The actual Resistance pilot just couldn’t imagine the leaders of the First Order sitting down to write terrible holodrama scripts. Or maybe he could. Kylo Ren seemed like the type to watch the overly dramatic romances with the damsel in distress.

“Maiden? What maiden? Everyone knows what you do to your Stormtroopers when they come of age,” the evil pilot cackled. “I’m not doing anything to her that she’s not used to!”

“You disgusting knave! We are not animals. I do not know what you do to your younglings, but we do nothing of the kind! We are moral people, dedicated to restoring order across this galaxy!”

“Oh, Captain Rockon!” UL-5993 gasped, eyes shining with happiness. “You’ve saved me!”

“He hasn’t saved you yet!” the pilot laughed. “I’m going to t-“ he never got to finish his sentence. A bolt from Captain Rockon’s blaster silenced him permanently, hitting its mark perfectly between the evil pilot’s eyes.

“Are you hurt, UL-5993?” Captain Rockon asked. UL-5993 shook her head.

“No, sir, I am well. But I must ask of you to kill me. I do not think I can bear to live with the feeling of that Resistance scum’s hands on my body. What use is someone like me to the First Order?”

“You are the most loyal soldier the Order has ever had, UL-5993. You stayed strong in the face of adversity, and you would never give up information. You should be commended, and I will not kill you. In fact, there’s something I need to tell you.”

On the couch, Finn tensed up. No way. Were they really-?

On the holovid, Captain Rockon removed his helmet, revealing a man with chiseled features, impeccably styled black hair, and bright blue eyes. He leaned down next to UL-5993 and said, very quietly, “I love you.”

Finn cheered. It had finally happened! Captain Rockon was finally admitting his feelings for the beautiful Stormtrooper he commanded. Next to him, Poe looked on, rather bemused.

“I take it that’s a good thing?” he asked.

“It’s awesome!” Finn enthused. “Everyone was hoping they would get together!”

“But it is forbidden!” UL-5993 exclaimed. “Fraternization between a captain and a trooper is not allowed! We will be executed!” The captain shook his head.

“No, see here, I have a special dispensation from Kylo Ren! Apparently we are both Force-sensitive and never noticed it before, and he wants us to have children, to create more Force-sensitive soldiers for the glory of the First Order!”

“Take me now, you amazing captain!”

The screen faded to black as Captain Rockon freed UL-5993 from her bonds. She fell into his arms, and he dipped her down for a deep kiss. Then, the credits rolled.

Hesitantly, Finn turned to look at Poe. What was he going to see on the other man’s face? Disgust? Horror? Was he going to tell Finn he never wanted to see him again, now that he knew what kind of holodramas he liked?

However, Poe only looked thoughtful. “Let’s watch the next one!”

“What?”

“I want to see what happens next. Did they really have a dispensation from Kylo Ren? What will happen if they didn’t?”

“You really want to watch more?” Finn asked, stunned. Poe nodded.

“Oh sure, it’s totally ridiculous and I kind of resent being portrayed so creepy, but it’s strangely compelling. Everyone is horrible, of course, and we probably shouldn’t let the others see it, it would offend them, but I want to see if UL-5993 gets pregnant and has Force-sensitive children.”

“Uh… alright,” Finn said, queuing up the next episode. Then, he hesitated. “You know, there’s a lot of other holodramas, too…”

And that is how Poe got addicted to trashy First Order propaganda soap operas. Even if they did always show him as molesting innocent Stormtroopers…

The End

I'm trying so hard not to laugh and wake the neighbours. I hope there'll be more? Maybe the other Resistance pilots finding out about the show and having MST3K style marathons in the rec room?

Haha! You know, I had so much fun with this I might just have to do a second part. I cracked myself up a few times writing Captain Rockon's lines.

I'm so happy you enjoyed it! If I do another part I'll definitely post it here ( also on AO3, I just put this up there).

Thanks for reading!

i laughing hysterically, this is comedy gold!
i am usually not interestd at all in the lightside ot3 (finn, poe, and rey) in this fandom, but his ! holovids!
new order making propaganda!
can you link to the ao3 version?

Certainly!

http://archiveofourown.org/works/5959557

I'm really glad you enjoyed it, I had a lot of fun writing it.

Oh man. I too hope there's more to this. I cracked up at the cheesy dialogue. Poor Poe, too. XD

Oh lord, this was hilarious. Now I want to read Finn's fic (you know he wrote some).

This is golden, I'm laughing so hard!

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