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Oh man it's been so long since I've written crack. I wrote this in one sitting and haven't written anything with any of the First Order characters but I present OP with The First Order Unicorn Debacle and hope that you enjoy.

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There’s one thing any new crew member of the Finalizer is warned about when they join up, after being briefed in detail about Kylo Ren and his temper tantrums. No what every crew member is made aware of and warned about is this; Force Unicorns.

“But what attracts the unicorns?” A junior ensign asks one day over a dinner of the usual spaceghetti and tieballs; it was still worlds above the stormstrooper approved protein mash.

Those other junior officers gathered around the table look around nervously, making sure that no one could over hear the ensign’s question. It is Petty Officer Thanisson who leans over toward her, staring her dead in the eye and replying. “Repressed Force sensitive virgins.”

The ensign looked shocked. “No! You mean . . . Kylo Ren?” The name is whispered in fear as though his very name will make the man in questions appear before them.

There has been much debate over this topic amongst any and all crew members of the Finalizer, it’s the worst guarded rumour onboard the ship; followed closely by ‘I would let Resistance pilot Poe Dameron fly me any day,’ and then tailed just slightly more by ‘if only Captain Phasma would bench press me.’ (There are a lot of lonely and repressed virgins on the Finalizer, thankfully none of them are Force sensitive and thus are not constantly bombarded by Force Unicorns.

Chief Petty Officer Unamo shakes her head, casting a challenging glance Thanisson’s way as she speaks. “Some believe they’re attracted to Kylo Ren, others have other opinions. Even when Ren is off the ship the Unicorns remain and are often seen on the bridge, which is where General Hux is stationed.”

“That’s subjective! The Unicorns are usually there even when it’s just a skeleton crew; they spend most of their time there because that’s where Lord Ren spends most of his time.” Thanisson barks back, “ Besides, Lord Ren is never away more than a few hours at a time and when he comes back the Unicorns concentrate around him.”

Several voices rise in agreement with him even as others stand behind Unamo. There are some who put in other opinions but its seems there are truly two main factions in the Unicorn Debate. To the very overwhelmed new crew members it’s quite the sight and they soon realize that they to will have to choose a side in the war.

-

Lieutenant Mitaka nods cordially at Lieutenant Rodinon as they pass each other in the hall. The two men are the heads of respective factions in the First Order Unicorn Debacle. Rodinon is a firm believer that the Unicorns are here because of Kylo Ren, a strong Force user and someone who obviously has a large stick up his ass, too large for a man who is not a virgin.

Mitaka knows that the man was wrong, oh so very, very wrong. He cares not one lick about Kylo Ren, but he knows for a fact that the Unicorns where here for General Hux. This is because, in Mitaka’s mind at least, General Hux is a pure, untainted, shinning light within the Force and only he could attract such marvellous creatures as the Unicorns to him. Mitaka only wishes that he could be as spectacular as the General, alas he was easily seduced by a charismatic Petty Officer on a night when the two of them were alone overseeing a special project for General Hux.

-

Captain Phasma halts abruptly as a Force Unicorn phases through the deck right before. She has been trying to keep count of the infernal creatures but more and more of them keep appearing on the ship and she’s quickly lost count. The number however is definitely in the hundreds. If she knew, or cared, anything about the Force she would say that this is a sign that someone is in desperate need of a good shag.

Luckily she cares very little for the entire fiasco other than by how it affects her stormtroopers. Since it doesn’t affect their work, and seems to give them something to gossip about other than thoughts of defecting with dashing Resistance pilots, she lets it slide. Let it never be said that she does not show some leniency to her stormtroopers.

Besides she has credits on the Unicorns disappearing within the next few days, things have been coming to a head between General Hux and Kylo Ren and it doesn’t matter which of them is attracting the Unicorns because once they finally do get to the horizontal tango these wretched creatures will finally disappear.

Briefly she wonders if she should spare some of her prized Corellian Whisky to help the two men along but as five more Unicorns practically bowl her over, Phasma decides that she needs it more than either Hux or Ren do.

-

Supreme Leader Snoke does not care much about the First Order Unicorn Debale; Unicorns are the same as humans after all right? They all have four legs and large horns.

He just wishes they all wouldn’t take up so much space when he calls upon Kylo Ren and General Hux; it makes it difficult to keep the two men’s attention on what is important. He presses again the importance of choosing which crocuses would be the best for the garden outside his summer home, he does not after all wish for them to clash with his poisonous begonias that would be a true crime.

Ren and Hux continue ignoring him; too busy trying to duel with their horns. So long as their duel provides many strong offspring Snoke will be content.

Now if only his gardening troubles could be resolved so easily. Perhaps he should just plant man eating verbascum instead.

-

One of the curses of being a Force user, a powerful one to boot, is that Kylo Ren is aware of nearly every whispered conversation or strong thought that is directed his way. It wouldn’t be such a big deal, aside from the headaches this brought about, if it weren’t for the fact that eighty percent of what is directed at him is in relation to those blasted Force Unicorns.

Kylo Ren is not a virgin. He has not been a virgin for almost a decade. Kylo, or more precisely Ben Organa-Solo, willingly threw away his virginity to give Poe Dameron a wild ride, more accurately several wild rides, years before Kylo turned to the Dark Side.

No, Kylo Ren is not the one attracting the Unicorns but he knows that there is something that he could do about the infestation.

As the only trained Force user on the Finalizer Kylo can sense every other Force Sensitive individuals onboard and only one of them fits the bill of horribly repressed virgin.

Tonight Kylo is going to change that.

Without care Kylo stomps onto the Finalizer’s bridge, uncaring of all the eyes that turn to stare at him, and grabs Hux by the arm, pulling the man behind him and back toward his own chambers. Hux is yelling at him, fighting his tooth and nail and the blasted Unicorns are gravitating to follow them.

An hour later every single Unicorn disappears and the news of it spreads through every hall of the Finalizer like wild fire. It doesn’t answer the question of whether it was Lord Ren or General Hux who attracted the Unicorns but the excitement of the new gossip soothes over any ruffled feathers that have existed due to the First Order Unicorn Debacle.

-

General Hux wakes up feeling annoyed, sweaty and with a horrible ache centered in his lower back. He knows that he should get up but he can’t find the strength to, this is the best he’s felt in ages; who knew it would only take Ren’s dick to make all his previous stress go away.

It doesn’t stop him from kicking Ren out off of him when the man tries to snuggle up to him. It’s still satisfying to see the look of shock and rage that comes over Ren’s face and if it leads to a few more rounds of violently gratuitous sex, well Hux isn’t going to complain (to himself at least).

-

Poor Snoke never did get help with his gardening problems.

LOL, excellent crack. Force Unicorn must become a Thing (tm)

OMG the crew splitting into warring factions over which one of their bosses is repressed enough to be a unicorn magnet! Mitaka thinks Hux is a cinnamon roll! Snoke's begonias! "Ren and Hux continue ignoring him; too busy trying to duel with their horns." L O FUCKIN L. And good call, Phasma, they don't deserve booze, plus you wouldn't want those idiots to get whiskey dick!

This is awesome! I feel for Snoke, maybe if someone would just help him with his garden he'd stop trying to take over the universe :p

Here's the link for AO3!

http://archiveofourown.org/works/6685567

PROMPT POST #5 - CLOSED

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The First Order Unicorn Debacle [1/1]

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A!A