'When you break, it's too late for you to fall apart And the blame that you claim is all your own fault.'
---
Kylo's consciousness is drifting.
He is dimly aware of snow, of pain, of the scent of smoke and blood. He remembers exhaustion, agony, the traitor and that girl again.
She beat him. Kylo remembers losing his fight and it makes him afraid to face the waking world.
What will his Master say? He is a liability now. Not strong enough. Not quick enough. A more promising pupil within reach.
But hasn't he done enough to strengthen his connection to the dark side? His father- Kylo's mind falters and a strange sensation takes over. He can name it, but he doesn't want to. Acknowledging it would be to admit he feels something as dangerous as doubt over his actions. He did the right thing. Solo was a distraction, trying to lure him back to weakness.
His father is gone.
Kylo killed him. Murdered him when he was defenceless.
What would his mother say?
Ren's thoughts drift in hazy circles, round and round the same fears, the same questions. It is perhaps no wonder they seek an escape, that the weak chain leading him back to that Resistance pilot suddenly serves a new purpose.
He needs an outlet. His body is healing slowly; Kylo can feel it becomes healthier every day. But his mind, his mind is starved for energy and full of conflict. This leaves him too unstable, too open to further errors. He is ashamed of his own fallibility.
Tormenting the pilot proves almost too easy. The man loves with the devotion of a pet and it sickens Kylo. Memories of Dameron crowded by friends, admired and adored surface as he rifles through the moments he most treasures. This isn't a mark of pride on Dameron's behalf – he takes comfort not from the renown, not from the titles bestowed, or trust invested. Dameron takes comfort from the warmth of being wanted, of knowing he fights alongside men and women he regards as the strongest and wisest in the galaxy.
The pilot lost his mother at a young age. Kylo briefly glances at images of a funeral, of last conversations together without much concern. Dredging that up would be too easy, too clichéd.
But Poe, it appears, is attempting to fill that parental gap.
He stops short as he watches his mother personally recruit this loud, brash man. She chastises and flatters with that firmness, the quirk of her lips that made it so difficult to know whether she was genuinely angry or about to burst into a smile. Dameron obviously was aware of Leia Organa's legendary status, knew that his parents fought side by side with all three – Organa, Solo, and Skywalker.
Respect, admiration, devotion – Kylo watches it all explode from the pilot's chest like huge floral blooms. He hates that this man has the audacity to seek his mother’s approval, to seek her trust. He hates it even more that she seems willing to bestow these favours upon him. Image after image and their mutual professional relationship develops into something softer, more like affection.
Kylo Ren has no doubt Dameron would sacrifice himself in an instant to save his beloved General. What really fuels his fury though is his mother's betrayal. Kylo became an expert at reading his mother's gaze – her eyes one of the only places she couldn't keep her true feelings from. They soften when she sees Poe, she approves of his strength, his energy, his utter devotion to the cause she has already given so much for.
Leia Organa might be pressed to admit it out loud, but Dameron has become in her mind – whether consciously or not – something of a proxy for the son she has lost.
Rage inside Kylo normally burns hot, like the centre of a volcano or the core of a planet. It is a fraction of the overwhelming power the dark side of the Force can offer, a white fury that he often expends through destruction. When he thinks of Dameron now, however, it is like a shard of ice settles in his soul. Each time he remembers the love his mother has given away to this talentless traitor, the frozen blade cuts deeper.
If Dameron is such an angel, what must she think of her little Ben now? He is certain that she could never forgive him, that slaughtering Solo must have pushed him past the point of redemption. He is banking on her entire disavowal of him. One by one, he is finally removing those connections that hold him back from giving himself to the dark completely.
Unexpectedly, Kylo receives an answer to his raging questions.
Still not fully in control of his mind, he realises Dameron is experiencing some of his pain and confusion. There must be points when the pilot feels overwhelmed by the emotions that do not belong to him. The answer comes back all the same; the man responds with compassion, with reassurance. He truly believes that no man can be beyond redemption if he feels remorse for his actions.
Kylo Ren decides it's time to make this man understand his stupidity.
They start with the destruction of the Hosnian System.
Re: FILL: When You Break (Part 4)
'When you break, it's too late for you to fall apart
And the blame that you claim is all your own fault.'
---
Kylo's consciousness is drifting.
He is dimly aware of snow, of pain, of the scent of smoke and blood. He remembers exhaustion, agony, the traitor and that girl again.
She beat him. Kylo remembers losing his fight and it makes him afraid to face the waking world.
What will his Master say? He is a liability now. Not strong enough. Not quick enough. A more promising pupil within reach.
But hasn't he done enough to strengthen his connection to the dark side? His father- Kylo's mind falters and a strange sensation takes over. He can name it, but he doesn't want to. Acknowledging it would be to admit he feels something as dangerous as doubt over his actions. He did the right thing. Solo was a distraction, trying to lure him back to weakness.
His father is gone.
Kylo killed him. Murdered him when he was defenceless.
What would his mother say?
Ren's thoughts drift in hazy circles, round and round the same fears, the same questions. It is perhaps no wonder they seek an escape, that the weak chain leading him back to that Resistance pilot suddenly serves a new purpose.
He needs an outlet. His body is healing slowly; Kylo can feel it becomes healthier every day. But his mind, his mind is starved for energy and full of conflict. This leaves him too unstable, too open to further errors. He is ashamed of his own fallibility.
Tormenting the pilot proves almost too easy. The man loves with the devotion of a pet and it sickens Kylo. Memories of Dameron crowded by friends, admired and adored surface as he rifles through the moments he most treasures. This isn't a mark of pride on Dameron's behalf – he takes comfort not from the renown, not from the titles bestowed, or trust invested. Dameron takes comfort from the warmth of being wanted, of knowing he fights alongside men and women he regards as the strongest and wisest in the galaxy.
The pilot lost his mother at a young age. Kylo briefly glances at images of a funeral, of last conversations together without much concern. Dredging that up would be too easy, too clichéd.
But Poe, it appears, is attempting to fill that parental gap.
He stops short as he watches his mother personally recruit this loud, brash man. She chastises and flatters with that firmness, the quirk of her lips that made it so difficult to know whether she was genuinely angry or about to burst into a smile. Dameron obviously was aware of Leia Organa's legendary status, knew that his parents fought side by side with all three – Organa, Solo, and Skywalker.
Respect, admiration, devotion – Kylo watches it all explode from the pilot's chest like huge floral blooms. He hates that this man has the audacity to seek his mother’s approval, to seek her trust. He hates it even more that she seems willing to bestow these favours upon him. Image after image and their mutual professional relationship develops into something softer, more like affection.
Kylo Ren has no doubt Dameron would sacrifice himself in an instant to save his beloved General. What really fuels his fury though is his mother's betrayal. Kylo became an expert at reading his mother's gaze – her eyes one of the only places she couldn't keep her true feelings from. They soften when she sees Poe, she approves of his strength, his energy, his utter devotion to the cause she has already given so much for.
Leia Organa might be pressed to admit it out loud, but Dameron has become in her mind – whether consciously or not – something of a proxy for the son she has lost.
Rage inside Kylo normally burns hot, like the centre of a volcano or the core of a planet. It is a fraction of the overwhelming power the dark side of the Force can offer, a white fury that he often expends through destruction. When he thinks of Dameron now, however, it is like a shard of ice settles in his soul. Each time he remembers the love his mother has given away to this talentless traitor, the frozen blade cuts deeper.
If Dameron is such an angel, what must she think of her little Ben now? He is certain that she could never forgive him, that slaughtering Solo must have pushed him past the point of redemption. He is banking on her entire disavowal of him. One by one, he is finally removing those connections that hold him back from giving himself to the dark completely.
Unexpectedly, Kylo receives an answer to his raging questions.
Still not fully in control of his mind, he realises Dameron is experiencing some of his pain and confusion. There must be points when the pilot feels overwhelmed by the emotions that do not belong to him. The answer comes back all the same; the man responds with compassion, with reassurance. He truly believes that no man can be beyond redemption if he feels remorse for his actions.
Kylo Ren decides it's time to make this man understand his stupidity.
They start with the destruction of the Hosnian System.